I got the kind of loving, make ya feel alright
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Josh" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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09:20 am
[Link] |
hmm
Well life has actually be somewhat all right lately. Other than me lacking a job, I've been fairly content. College is a pain in the ass. But it's just another part of life. I'm making a pact with myself, and possibly a New Year's Resolution, to buckle down a bit harder next semester, and try not to miss as much class. Within this first semester I've learned a few things. I'm never taking an online class again, because I'm a visual learner, and I'm never taking a night class at luzerne again, because I hate driving an hour at night time. I saw Moe at the Menzingers show the other night, and although we didn't really talk much, that little game of hack we played was rather nice. I miss that fucker. I'm not gonna lie. I made some poor decisions, but overall I'm beginning to be happy for where I am right now. My motivation to do art is slowly coming back. I thought it was the drugs making me lose my motivation. But in all reality. The reason I haven't been happy these past few months is because I wasn't letting myself. I made a poor decision in breaking up with Sherrie, I fucked with her head and I regret it a lot. And although she may v ery well hate me right now, she actually made me realize a lot of things. She's told me pretty much what every other person in this world that I have ever vented to told me, but it actually sunk in a bit more for some reason. I'm sick of being confined in the bottom of the bottle, struggling for a way to the top. So rather then climbing to the top, I took the easy way out and smashed my way out of the bottle. I can finally breathe again, somewhat metaphorically, and it's kind've nice. Now all I need is a musical outlet in my life, and I'll be fully content. Also I need a job, but that will come in time. Peace
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07:20 am
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blah
fucking awake at 7 am to go to work. This sucks. 5 hours of sleep. meh
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12:08 am
[Link] | scoobity be bop ploopity sketer scooter poop scuba
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02:46 am
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50 questions, nukka
1. How tall are you barefoot?
5'6 1/2"
2. Have you ever been unfaithful in a relationship?
Once, but it wasn't by choice
3. Do you own a gun?
Yeah, 3, but I don't hunt anymore, so they are useless
4. If you had a mental disorder, what would it be?
anxiety/depression
5. How many letters are in your crushes first full name?
eight. or three. depending on full or shortened haha
6. What do you think of hot dogs??
easy eatin
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
coffee
9. Do you do push-ups?
once in a while
10. Have you ever done ecstasy?
eh
11. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
significant other
12. Do you like the rain?
sometimes, good cuddling weather
13. Are you sweet?
like a lollipop
14. On a scale of 1 to 10(ten being the best) what do u rate yourself?
7
15. Do you have A.D.D?
na
16. full initials?
J.A.R.
17. Name 4 thoughts at this exact moment.
Love.
Philly.
Fear.
Why am I filling this out.
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought in the past week.
cigarettes, a drink, gas
20. What time did you wake up today?
around 2:30
21. Can you spell ?
Yeah
22. Current worry?
College, moving
23. Current hate?
Leaving the only thing I love for a few months
24. Favorite place to be?
Cuddling with Samantha
25. Least favorite place to be?
Alone
27. Do you own slippers?
yeah
28. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs.?
Rich, married, and happy, hopefully
29. Do you burn or tan?
both
30. Yellow or blue?
Orange
31. Would you be a pirate?
Fuck yeah
32. Last time your phone rang?
The caller id says 9:05
33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Whatever is in my head
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Things in the closet/under my bead
35. What's in your pockets right now?
nothing
36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Sami drooling on my arm hhehe
37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
these ones with cats on them, that were like really cottony haha
38. Worst injury you've ever had?
broken ribs
40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
2
43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Yup <3
44. Do you wish on stars?
The stars in her eyes
45. what is your favorite book?
eh i dont much like reading
46. What song did you last hear?
menzingers
48.What is your favorite cereal?
fruity pebbles
49.What were you doing at midnight last night?
cuddling hehe
50.What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I can't wait to see her/what time is it?
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10:48 pm
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hmm hmm
Well lets see.. Long time no update right? Well my life has been kinda hectic lately, with work, getting ink permanently burned into my skin, finding love again, getting ready to go to college, and other things of that nature. I broke up with Casey, because I don't know, I didn't feel too attached to her, and I didn't want to just continue leading her on when I didn't have the feelings she thought I did. Kinda thing sucks, because I know how girls are at that age but I don't know. I just felt like too much of an older brother rather than a boyfriend and it wasn't very fun for me.
The whole college thing isn't coming along as smoothly as I could have hoped. 4 weeks left until school starts, and Moe and I still have no apartment, nor do we have anything set up at all. I thought Philly was going to be this great experience, I was psyched, and now as it comes creeping along, I don't want to leave home. It sucks because I don't want to ditch out on Moe at the last minute, because if he's by himself, he won't make it. I don't know, I think I may go for a semester and then transfer back up here or something of that nature.
Anxiety. Pretty much sums up my life in a nutshell. Sometimes this shit just takes everything I have out of me. Leaves me feeling empty, alone, and I don't know where it's all coming from to be honest. I'll have an anxiety attack at just about the most random time. I can be in a perfectly good mood, nothing bad on my mind, and then bam it hits me. It's kind've hard to explain, and it's kind've hard to live with but thats life I suppose.
My love life is slowly picking itself back up, which is good. Sam and I have been hanging out alot, and every single day it feels more and more like the good ole days. I missed her alot. I didn't realize it, but I did. Seeing her brings a smile to my face, and I know that no other girl can affect me in that way. I love the girl for crying out loud. I never loved anything in my love, and I probably never will love anything besides that girl. But atleast I love something. I missed the cuddling, the watching movies , the staying up until 3 in the morning just talking about things. I've never had such a connection with another person and its crazy to think I tried to throw that all away. We're gonna end up married. There is pretty much no way around it. No matter how much shit we put eachother through, in the end, we always end up back by eachothers side.
I don't know where my life is taking me. I don't know where I'm going to be in 5 years let alone 2. But I do know that I love that girl. I do know that one of my goals in life is to forever make her happy. and i do know one day I'll get rid of all this anxiety, and with her help, maybe sooner than I thought. I'm randomly typing thoughts, but I guess that is a good thing. Getting some things of my chest if you will. I don't know. We'll see where life takes me
<3<3 Peace out
Current Mood:  loved and yet lonely
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03:56 am
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Turning into an Alchoholic Volume II
Well Ocean City was a memory I won't remember. I got drunk as fuck for a week straight so yeah, obviously it is going to be a hard to remember thing. Some highlights: Yelling off the balcony to complete strangers inviting them to party, cheating on my girlfriend which was possibly the worst thing I've ever done, passing out in random places such as the elevator, stairs in a different hotel, stairs in my hotel, someone else's apartment floor, someone else's bathtub. Fun shit right. Walking the board walk drunk. Telling a cop i was going to curb stomp him if he didnt stop telling me to pour out my drink, random fights, alchohol poisoning, good stuff.
My grad party was awekward. A bunch of people I've seen maybe once in my life, and a few friends. and me, drunk as fuck. Drinking is what's up anymore being as I'm a fuck up with an anxiety disorder that can't even smoke pot anymore because of it, and yet I still do. I don't know, I'm lazy, it's four AM and I don't feel like typing more nonsense. peace
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06:41 am
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driving home last night was beautiful
I came to a new realization on the ride home yesterday... Watching the leaves blow all over the road and such, I realized that happiness is what you make of it. Life is what you make of it. It's only as complicated as you set it out to be, and living in a more simple, more free kind've way is where my heart is right now. I gotta get all of that shit done for college though, so I'm kinda stressed out. I didn't even apply yet because my printer is ridiculous. I don't know, I've kind've got my heart set on going to Philly, so if I don't get accepted my mind is going to be crushed. I've got a girl frequently on my mind. She's pretty damn wonderful, but I'm not rushing into things like I usually do. That is my usual downfall, so I'm gonna see how it goes by just playing the cards slowly... IDK ,gotta get ready for school. Peace
Current Mood:  thirsty
Current Music: none
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10:14 pm
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hmm stoned speaking
On and on into this disallusion so many call "living", I've found myself taking in the sweet breath of air day by day, just living for the present. Regret must lose it's grasp after a while, because one's mind cannot seem to hold on to something for eternity. Dreaming in reality is the indolence I've found myself upon in the past few months. It seems like every day just goes by slower and slower, and I am finding myself more happy. Due to a few choice people in my life, I truly am finding happiness again. A girl I've recently met has brought alot of positivity in my life, and getting to know someone, never felt so easy. Being myself sometimes feels fartfetched. Like an anxiety attack, in slow motion, blurring all mindless perceptions. But who really knows what journey's, what paths to take in life? No one, thats why choices and life can be a gamble, but if you play your cards right you'll find yourself right smack dab in the middle of good and bad, in a neutral state of well-being, relaxing... Yup
Current Music: thoughts playing melody
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08:45 am
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hmm
Well I got my other tattoo. It's starting to heal up a bit. 2 hour delay today, cuz of all of the snow we got yesterday. I hate the snow, we need spring weather, trips to philadelphia to skate, and the ability to walk around in nature's beauty, instead of freezing. Sam and I got in a rather large argument yesterday, which I don't regret at all. Everything I said was what needed to be said so I guess we're done for good. I'm pretty over it, but the fact of the matter is, it still sucks. When you love someone that much, and all of those feelings just disintegrate it has no possibility of not sucking. I haven't been that depressed. I'm finally putting some weight back on, and starting to look "good" again. I think I'm gonna start rockin the gym with mike. He said he'd help me out getting in shape.
In other news, my grades in school are pretty good, I applied to the Community College of Philadelphia, but didn't send in the money yet. I have a little bit of a crush on someone, but we won't go into who. I don't know what it is about her, but she is just overall probably one of the most awesome people I've ever met. If there isn't the possibility of a relationship there I'm 100% cool with it, because I've made a new a friend, and a new person to talk to. Trustable friends are a dime a dozen anymore. Me and Moe are trying to get a band started/trying to get my senior project done. I've got a few songs in the making, just need some drums and bass, which I'm gonna ask demps to play bass. Yesterday I didn't do very much. Stayed home and talked to Julie for a while. Then when out with tim and cojo for a drive, and just chilled for a bit. Today I'm not sure what I'm doing. This weekend I want to do so much. I want to hang out with Danielle because I never get to see her out of school. I wanna see Julie because I haven't seen her in like a month, and I want to have a movie night with Hollydizzle. I also want to blend in getting drunk and stoned in there a bit, and playing some mean guitar. We'll see what happens
Current Mood:  tired
Current Music: none, tired
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06:38 am
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holy shit it's march (stolen from holly)
[1]. Who are you thinking about right now?
My man Jack Johnson.. He's the shit
[2]. Do you think your life has been good so far?
For the most part
[3]. What's your mother's maiden name?
Jacobs
[4]. What's the last thing you listened to?
Jack Johnson: F-stop blues
[5]. Where's the last place you went?
Moe's house
[6]. Who's the last person you called?
Moe
[7]. Who's the last person you text messaged?
No one?
[8]. What's the longest relationship you've ever been in?
Carly... if you count full togetherness. 9 months... if not Sam, which would be 1 year 2 months this month
[9]. Why did it end?
because love can be the best thing in the world, but turn to the worst
[10]. Been cheated on?
yes
[11]. Ever thought you were in love only to find out later that you weren't?
when i was like 13
[12]. What's the best thing about a kiss?
the feeling you get when you open your eyes afterwards, only to find beautiful eyes looking back at you
[13]. What's your favorite body type to cuddle with?
any, cuddling is awesome
[14]. Do you look like your mom or dad?
Both
[15]. Do you have siblings? If so, do you look alike?
I have a half brother I never met
[16]. Do you smile often?
Absolutely
[17]. Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
Possibly, since I'm so hot, pssh...
[18]. Could you be a vegetararian?
I tried, nope
[19]. Are you sentimental?
yes
[20]. If you had to get married tomorrow, who would you marry?
Jessica Alba, haha
[21]. Who would be in your wedding?
Everyone
[22]. Who would you want to catch the bouquet?
hmm... I really don't know
[23]. Do you know anyone who wants to marry you?
I don't know... I'm not responsible, so i've been told, pssh
[24]. Ever thought someone was "the one"?
:(
[25]. What will be your wedding song?
Something by Edwin Mccain
[26]. What is your middle name?
Adam
[27]. If there were 3 wells (love, beauty, and creativity) which one would you choose?
I would take all of them, drink from them, and be awesome
[28]. Do you wish on stars?
only when I'm shooting them haha
[29]. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?
Hell no, never
[30]. Would you kill someone?
Yeah
[31].When did you last cry?
a few weeks ago
[32]. If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play the lead?
Johnny Depp
[33]. Do you like your handwriting?
Yeah
[34]. Who are you jealous of?
Guys, that are assholes, but always get the girl anyway... I'm the genuine stereotypical hopeless romantic artist
[35]. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
Fuck yeah.... HATEBREED
[36]. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Thats a tough one... Probably turkey
[37]. Do you have any bad habits?
Smoking, Drinking, Drugs... tattoos maybe through some peoples' eyes
[38]. If you were another person, would you be friends with yourself?
Hells yeah
[39]. Do looks matter?
Not really... I'm pretty much all personality. But a girl with beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile can make me drool like a cartoon coyote, as my tongue rolls out like a red carpet at the grammy's haha
[40]. What is your favorite school subject?
Lunch haha
[41]. Who will probably repost this?
No idea
Current Mood:  tattoo pain, but good
Current Music: Jack Johnson: sitting, waiting, wishing
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11:48 pm
[Link] | January
1. Did you have a new year's resolution this past year? yess
2. Who kissed you at midnight? Sam :(
3. Does it snow where you live? yes
4. Do you like hot chocolate? hell yeah
5. Have you ever been to times square to watch the ball drop? nope
Febuary
1. Who was your valentine in 2005? fucking fucked over
2. What did your valentine give you? a flower, that's dead, like everything else
When you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class? yeah
1.Are you Irish? yes.
2. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day? yeah
3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2005? got fucked up
April
1. Do you like the rain? sometimes
2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year? i dont remember
3. Do you get tons of candy on easter? no, none
1. What's your favorite kind of flower? tiger lily
2. Do you like the spring? yes
3. Finish the phrase:
4. What would you think of as a spring color? yellow
June
1. What year did/do you graduate from school? 2006
2. Did you go on any vacations last June? nope
1. What did you do on the 4th of July? dont know
2. Did you go on any vacations during this month? nope
August
1. Did you do anything special to end off your summer? shows
2. What was your favorite summer memory of '05? nothing
3. Do you go swimming a lot in the summer? yes
4. Do you go to the beach a lot? nah
September
1. Did you attend school/college in '05? yeah
2. Who is/was your favorite teacher? i don't have one.
3. Do you like fall better than summer? yeah weatherwise
October
1. What's your favorite halloween costume? idk
2. What's your favorite candy? sourpatchkids
3. What did you dress up like this year? a girl
November
1. Whose house do you usually go to for thanksgiving? grandmas
3. What are you thankful for? eating turkeys
December
1. Do you celebrate christmas? i guess
2. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe? yes
3. What do you want this year for Christmas? keys to a mazda miata
4. What's the best present you ever got for Christmas? guitar, music is love
5. Do you like cold weather? sometimes
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12:51 pm
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fuck it
I'm sick of life in general. I can't do this shit anymore... I need music in my life. I need to be in a band to clear my fucking mind. I'm so sick of bullshit, im so sick of caring, I just want to go back to the way I used to be.. Free from guilt, or pain, lacking sex or an emotional attachment, because it was easier. I've never been this hurt in my 18 years of life. There is no physical way to cope with this shit, and come out with a positive outlook.. it doesn't work that way... it doesn't
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06:39 am
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Finals Today
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!
hehe <3
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06:41 am
[Link] | Well yesterday was amazing... I went over Sam's, had a hell of a time getting there with all of the snow, but it was well worth it. Everything is going rather well, and I have a hunch,that it's going to stay that way. Something funny happened yesterday, but I don't really wanna get into hehe... Sam and I watched a little bit of the Dispatch DVD, and then she had to go to work. I couldn't stop thinking about alot of positive things that may come in the next month. I cannot wait until Valentines Day, and my birthday, and next month just seems like it's gonna be a good month for me, possibly the best month I've had in quite a while...
I can't get you off my mind... <33333
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: Jurassic 5: quality control
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06:41 am
[Link] |
hm...
Well not too much has been going on.. I've been all kinds of busy. Doing stupid shit, hanging out with friends, skating, doing art, and yeah, being a fuck up. But something happened with Sam last night that made me rather happy. I won't discuss it for lack of a way to describe it, but it's good I promise.
My tattoo is pretty much healed, and I plan on getting 2 more in the next month. "Beyond the grey sky" in cursive writing around my left wrist, and this crazy Claddagh that I designed for my right forearm.
Well thats pretty much it... Finals this week, fuck... btw, I woke up, for once, in time to get ready for school, and guess what? It's closed
Current Mood: sleepy
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01:12 am
[Link] | hmm... well this whole weekend other than today was a pretty big blur... Thursday I chilled with moe, and skated for a bit... Friday I skipped school to take with moe and dave, and then went to see neil's band play. I got fucked up on opium with a few kids, and was just happily ripped the majority of that night. Saturday was supposed to be sunny and 60, but it ended up being all shitty out. I hungout with Julie, Brew, Neil, and Nicky for a little bit, then headed back to moes, don't remember most of that night either... Sunday, chilled with moe, Jammed with this band we are supposed to get going or whatever, and smoked... Today I hungout wiht moe for a bit, came home, showered, hungout with sam, played cards with her brothers, and then hungout with her some more when she got home from work... If you guys dont see what I'm getting at, I do.. without sam in my life, I do drugs, I'm a fuck up, and I have a good time... But when I do see her, I'm sober, kind've still a fuck up, but I still have a good time. It kind've has a balance in a sense. I know she still loves me, and I know someday, things we'll be the way we want them to, but until then, I'm fine with that. I love her more than anything, so fuck anyone that reads this and says "oh aren't you and Sam broken up, then why do you say I love you" I don't need to hear that bullshit fuckers...
Peace <3
Current Mood: sleepy
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10:33 pm
[Link] | well the past few days have been alright... Lee Lou, my ferret, passed away yesterday. I guess it was for the best, because she was just withering away. It made me really sad, because of course when any pet passes away, the owner's gonna be sad. She had a good life though, and she was as spoiled as possible hehe... R.I.P. Lee Lou December 13th 2005.. I was pretty sad over everything yesterday, but Sam cheered me up alot. I helped her with a few of her sketches.. And we cuddled and watched Ninja Turtles hehe... Overall, not the best day, but the end of it was good. She is the cutest thing in existence when she is sleeping. Well she's the prettiest thing in existence overall, but when she's sleeping, there is just something about her that makes me smile. She fell asleep on me yesterday because she was really tired, and i didn't want to move. I woke her up a bit so I could tuck her, came home, and fell asleep smelling the shirt that she sprayed her perfume on hehe...
Today my car wouldn't start, and ironically sam's wouldn't start yesterday, figures haha.. I had to take the happy wagon to school, and today was semi-uneventful. Me and Moe went to AC Moore, and I called Sam because we were gonna go visit her, but we couldn't get ahold of her...
Tommorow I'm gonna go price my tat with moe, and then maybe hangout with Sam. We'll see what goes on
<333333333333333333 hehe
Current Mood:  anxious
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11:25 pm
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hmm thanksgiving
Well I ate a shitload today, had a pretty good day. I haven't been too down lately. Sam has been doing a very good job at making me happy teehee. I'm still somewhat depressed, but its ok I guess, thats life haha. I'm thinking about getting a job, just don't know where yet. I'm thinking about what to get people for christmas, and what i want for christmas, but I'm drawing a blank totally. Oh well, peace
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: 311: old funk
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06:38 am
[Link] | Things have gradually been getting better within my life, and I hope this turn on the road in life is not only the right one, but I hope this turn keeps the direction in which it is going. If it does, happiness is only lurking around the bends, and that's a great thing. Not much else to say
Current Mood: groggy
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06:39 am
[Link] | lets see.. yesterday I went to see the fog with Sam and her mom. It was good, but wasn't what I expected. We got pizza in Dickson City, and I ate way too much, and by the end of the night I ended up puking at sams house twice.. I felt so retarded puking at her house, but atleast I got it all in the toilet. So no clean up was necessary. I think today Sam and I are going to hangout, after her and her mom go for their walk. Blah I still don't feel good. It doesn't exactly help that it's freezing in here. So I'm shaking, and I got cramps in my stomach really bad. I wrote a really good song last night, which I was up until about 1:00 finishing. Sam and I had a long phone conversation, which I liked, because it didn't involve any sort of argument hehe... I'm in an ok mood other than being sick and tired.. I'm gonna sleep all through the first 2 classes today.. Word
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